Maybe I'm Gravy

Patience in People Watching

It's human nature to people watch. To stare at someone on the subway and wonder where they're going (usually Coney Island). To peek over someone's shoulder and see what article raises their eyebrow (most likely this). Humans look at people they're attracted to, people they’re revolted by, people they aspire to be, people they hope to never become (I'm looking at you, Pink). Girls spy on shoes and jewelry. Guys head-nod to baseball hats and handlebar mustaches. Old people huddle like puppies during a lightning storm when confronted with any fashion developed after the cold war.

Knowing how others live help people shape their own lives, if they know it or not. No one's wearing a leopard-print vest? Then piss off your parent’s by wearing one! Johnny Sideburns over there seems to be enjoying the bison burger. Maybe I should try one! Stefan's not wearing suede for once? Maybe it's raining! By watching others, an individual learns to tailor him or herself to blend in or stand out, depending on whom they want to be. It's all part of the subconscious process that assimilates people to society's standards. It has a name, anthropology, and it's a major in college.

Checking people out serves a valuable purpose. It balances social bearings. It draws a line in the sand.

As an avid people watcher, I can't help but love watching the people in this project by photographer Simon Hoegsberg. Called "We're All Gonna Die - 100 meters of existence," Simon snapped up Berlin commuters for 20 days, shooting from the same spot on a railroad bridge on Warschauer Strasse. The image is a fun 100m x 78cm, and his site lets you scroll along the whole thing, checking out all 178 unknowing participants (well, the guy giving Simon the finger probably had a clue). Put 20 days worth of people together, and you're going to find some gems. Unquestionably, this image is full of photo-worthy folk.

My favorites: super-serious prep school boy, chihuahua backpack, The Shining t-shirt, headphones 'n' overalls guy, pool noodle, elbow cough with flowers, over-the-shoulder fanny pack, double eye surgery, western james dean, weird flat-in-the-middle haircut guy. What are yours?

Chivalry Over Cutlery

How a knife set that never was taught me a lesson that for years had gone untaught.

Now that the holidays are over, I figured it would be the perfect time to reflect on the gift that almost was. Deb and I do a lot of cooking in our miniature East Village-style kitchen, so I came up with the perfect Christmas/Hanukah gift: a sweet-ass knife set. Something we'd use 3, 4, 5 times a week. Slicing and dicing Trader Joe's tastiest treats with ease. Now, Deb's quite the chef. I mean, this girl can whip up Eggs Benny finer than the nearest diner. (Exhibit A: My holiday goodness-infused waistline.) Making due with our paltry collection of 3 knives, I can only imagine the creations that would spew from our kitchen given an entire set of top-notch cutlery.

Then the universe decided I needed a Christmas Corral-like introspective. First, during a pre-holiday get together, a bunch of us were discussing gifts at my favorite Scottish watering hole, Shoolbred's. Unsolicited, Deb opined that knives were perhaps the worst gift ever. I scanned my spotty memory to see if I had done anything to give away my self-proclaimed genius idea, and she was simply positioning for something more romantic. Nothing. She randomly picked on knives because she despised the idea of receiving them so, in the process uncovering the fact that my brain is subconsciously wired towards giving the worst gift ever. It makes perfect sense in a universe-messing-with-me type of way.

That was only the beginning. A few days later, I saw this viral video for JC Penney from Saatchi & Saatchi New York. Hm. I've heard of this metaphorical doghouse, but I'd never heard it pain-stakingly explained in such detail. Perhaps my life-long philosophy of giving functional gifts wasn't as foolproof as I had previously inclined. Perhaps some blame should fall to my mom, who never fails to request useful contraptions like shoulder bags, skiing thermals, a new oven or a Bluetooth headset. I mean, who wants something you can hardly ever use like fine jewelry or sensually-scented bubble bath, when something practical like knives or a vacuum could be broken out and used a few times each week, a constant reminder of holiday joy? Am I wrong here?

Of course.

Now I was really looking forward to a nice knife set laying around the house, beckoning for fine meats, crisp vegetables, mouth-watering cheeses, and slow-handed intruders. Wouldn't it be pleasant for the two of us to slice and chop next to each other, a la chef and sous chef, wafts of garlic flowering throughout the kitchen? Perhaps. But the holidays are not the time for knives. Hence my new gift-giving philosophy: The less practical the gift, the better.

So is there ever a right time to give the useful gift of everyday functionality? The answer, simply, is no. Luckily, we really don’t have room in our apartment for more than three knives anyway. And there's always room for rubies.

Health Tips from a Dog

Pets have been an integral part of human society since cavemen started tossing mammoth remains out the cave door. Wild dogs were tempted to loiter around and munch away, marking the very first occurrences of dogs eating trash, a pastime that remains desirable for our canine friends to this day. Of course, it’s also desirable for certain people who live in my East Village neighborhood. But I guess if any city is going to have tasty trash, it’s New York.

Contrary to what the ever-growing antibacterial industry would like us humans to believe, all this trash interaction doesn't make dogs any less healthy. They don't get sick any more often than people do, and discounting the select few in my ‘hood, most of us rarely eat out of the trash or off the ground. Avoiding disease, sickness and unhealthiness are given such prominence in today's world. Don't touch that! Don't eat that! That's disgusting! You'll get sick! Germaphobes are popping up all over the place like…like…germs. Yet people aren't less sick now than they were before Airborne and Purell were invented and marketed to the worried masses.

I’ve heard that children build stronger immune systems from interacting with germs, and I certainly believe it. That kid from middle school who was allergic to everything? He was never allowed to play with anything. Dogs, on the other hand, literally stick their wet, roving noses in everything, and have the immune system fortitude to avoid the common cold and other spreadable sniffles. Give me a germ today if it means my body can defend against its goth older brother tomorrow.

Really, the thing that stops the average commuter from reaching down into the corner trashcan and grabbing a half-eaten slice of pizza isn’t healt. It's just frowned upon. You get looks. And perhaps a handful of change. And business card for a psychiatrist. Dogs, now they don't abide by customs based on what other dogs will think. “I better not sniff this yorkie’s butt or that Tibetan Mastiff will think I’m a pussy!” They also don’t have E! True Hollywood Story, airbrushed magazine covers and designer handbags. They’d much rather spend their time sniffing each other's butts, sleeping in dirt, or licking their own crotches.

All things considered, having a few unwritten rules for society isn't all bad. I've definitely found myself on the subway next to someone who failed the sniff test. It made my commute less pleasant, but the scent violator had all the room he could ask for. Maybe he knew what he was doing. Maybe he’d built up his body odor in order to increase personal space. Well played, smelly man on train.

Dogs, their habits and health issues aside, no one I know has a pet quite like the one in this ad. Now, I love dogs and I own a fish. (Jesus, pronounced Hey-Zeus, is a feisty beta. He matriculated from a pet store Spanish owned and operated.) This commercial combines the two very different pets to promote a car with a slightly different name: The Spacefox. Reminiscent to the celestial vehicles operated by Star Fox for Nintendo 64 perhaps? Perhaps not. And those were pretty sweet polygon-based spacecraft.

Is this ad saying the Spacefox is a combination of two different things: combining a dog and a fish? I guess that would be too expected, so it's actually saying that getting a Spacefox is not at all like buying a car, but like having "anything you can imagine." If you imagine things from at frisky terrier’s point of view. My favorite part? The chipper Dog Fish peeing on a rock at the bottom of the sea. Now that's something a dog would dream up with enthusiasm.

Agency: Almap BBDO, São Paulo
Creative Directors: Marcello Serpa, Dulcidio Caldeira, Luiz Sanches
Creatives: Gustavo Sarkis, Renato Fernandez
Prodution Company: Rebolucion, Buenos Aires
Director: Armando Bo